Why Poly Sucks

Let me tell you why poly sucks, folks. And it does. No, no, no don't try to argue with me. Just read. We'll get to your counter arguments later, I promise.
Poly sucks because you are no longer the ONLY love in your partners life. Someone else now shares their heart. You have had to gather up all of your clutter and mess and scooch it over to make room for this new love of his/hers (for the sake of ease, I shall base my example on my own sitch - me, my husband and his gf.  It's easier than using an open example and having to constantly that slashy shit).  I'm speaking metaphorically of course, unless your partners girlfriend is actually physically moving in to your house.  (oof, that's a topic for a whooooole other post!) No, I mean moving in to his heart. Still with me? Good.   

It's hard because, up until recently, you were the only one who occupied that space in his heart. It was roomy, you could spread out, arrange things the way you wanted, and could roam around free without bumping into anyone else. But now? Someone else is invading what was once your very personal space.   Naturally, we get our hackles up because this means big changes, inconveniences and errmagerrrg, having to SHARE.  Eeek!

Poly sucks because you now have less time with your love. In order for his other relationship to flourish, he must now take time away from his relationship with you. He needs time to text her, to call her, to spend time with her. That means less time for you.  Hrmmm......not sure how you feel about that? Yeah, I understand. It's a big adjustment, especially if it's really the first time you have ventured into the wonderful world of polyamory. Hell of a kick in the pants, ain't it? Just wait....it gets worse.

Poly sucks because there will be nights when he is not in your bed and there will be a cold, gaping hole where his body should be beside you. You lay there, trying to occupy both spaces so it won't feel so vast and empty, but it doesn't work. You're lonely, you miss him and you're sad. You imagine him, wrapping his arms around her and falling asleep to the sound of her breathing and feel a stab of jealousy. You don't identify it as jealousy, though. Oh no. To you, it is righteous indignation. You think, How is this fair?  He is with her, she is with him and I'm here ALONE.  How is any of this fair?  I got the shit end of the stick on this deal!!  Yes you did, but you agreed to this, remember? Just have to suck it up, I guess.

Poly sucks because it fucks with every insecurity and fear that you have. Your mind is reeling with awful scenarios and you imagine being cast aside for this new love. What if she is a better lover than I am?  What if he loves her more than me?  What if he is forced to choose and he chooses her?  What if, what if, what if......The questions are endless and frightening. Your gut churns, your heart races, your eyes sting with tears (well, mine do, anyway). It's a fine mess you've gotten yourself into, isn't it? What were you thinking?

Poly sucks for lots and lots of different reasons. So why do it? Why even agree to such a relationship?  You must have lost your damn mind! 
Well...I don't have all the answers. I'm still kind of new to this, and so far I have only ever experienced this from the perspective of a person whose partner - the love of her life (and every lifetime prior to, I am convinced) is now also in love with someone else.  It's really, really, really fucking difficult to navigate these tricky waters and sometimes I feel like I might lose the fight and drown.  But I don't drown.  In fact, I find that the less you thrash and struggle, the easier it is.  Sorta like quicksand.  If you fight it, you'll sink faster and faster until you've disappeared into it altogether and at that point, you're pretty well fucked. There is no coming back from it.

If the love you have with your partner is and was strong before he got involved with someone else, trust in the fact that it is STILL strong (unless you have some clear signs that it isn't, and might not have anything to do with the new lover). Trust in him to hold the love he has for you as precious and dear as it ever was. 

I'm not saying things won't or can't go wrong. Poly sometimes ruins relationships. It's some scary shit and it certainly isn't for everyone. For us, it requires absolute transparency and ensuring that little routines and rituals don't fall by the wayside. Yes, some things will change. But so long as he still comes home to me, so long as he still rubs his nose against mine while smiling at me with that rakish, adorable smile that I absolutely love and so long as he still tells me loves me a hundred times a day, I'll know we're just as strong as ever. I'll know he still loves me as much as he ever did. I'll know we're not just OK, we're GREAT and right where we should be. We're just us + 1 now.

So......now let me tell you why poly doesn't suck. 

Your parnter is happy. Maybe you even found a friend or sister in your metamour, and she has become part of your family. And maybe her partner, too. 
You see how much she loves him and glory in the fact that you have such an amazing man, another woman fell for him despite the possible sticky situation that poly sometimes presents. It's flattering really, and proof that you have really good taste.  :)

You have someone to discuss all of his quirks, habits and goofy jokes with and laugh about it.  He is your common ground. If you're really fortunate, the other love in his life has more in common with you than just him. 

I believe that the rewards of poly can and will outweigh the bad shit, if you try really, really hard and don't give in at the first sign of trouble. I won't say it'll be totally awesome "if you're doing it right" because there is no one right way. You have to decide upfront how you want/need things to go and everyone needs to be on board with the structure or guidelines that work best for all of you - if you feel you need any at all. 

And even if you get into the swing of it and you think you have this shit handled, you will likely be surprised by an unexpected attack of jealousy and get your knickers in a bunch every once in a while.  It's OK.  It's normal. You're human. The trick is to manage that fit, recognize it for what it is, talk it out with your partner if you think it will help and move on before it does any damage. 

Lastly, bear in mind that your metamour may be experiencing these feelings as well, when your man is with you.  Try and be sensitive to that, and realize it's not all about you.  No really, it's not.  It is, in fact,  about all of you.  

1/23/19