Least Likely to Succeed? Yeah, I Qualify For That Senior Superlative.

Why are goals so damn difficult to meet?  For me, I mean.  (I don’t expect you to answer, but ponder if you will, the possible explanations).  Even the simplest of goals always get left in the dust, unmet.

Losing weight is just one of my many oft-attempted but never met goals with the exception of one instance, 6 or 7 years ago. I did actually meet that goal, but in the end, I gained it all back and am even farther behind the 8 ball this time around.  True to form, I have even more weight to lose. 

I am far from alone in this particular failed endeavor, I know.  I can only give myself but so much grief over it when so many people the world over struggle with the very same thing.  It is extremely difficult (and so insanely simple!) to do.  And yet...?

No, for the sake of this post, I am talking about pretty much everything else in my life that I have sworn to do and yet, failed to do, time and time again. 

I’m going to learn how to sew.  <didn’t>

I’m going to become a runner!  <haven’t>

I’m going back to school.  <nope, didn’t...tried, twice, dropped out>

I’m going to organize my spice cabinet!  <half-assed attempt doesn’t count>

I’m going to keep the kitchen clean by doing dishes every night after dinner!  <ROFLMAO – who are you kidding?!>

 The list goes on and on and on, ad nauseam.  As an example, blogging regularly is a goal I set for myself recently (again), and while it looks good for me considering I am writing one right now, it doesn’t mean this will last.  I only started writing this because I was falling asleep at my desk.  It just so happens I hit upon a topic I could easily bullshit my way through for a page or two.  I got lucky.  It doesn’t mean I suddenly got motivated. 

 I realize that my focus the last 9 years or so has become progressively worse, despite having managed that momentary weight loss I mentioned earlier.  I was already hard-wired for Squirrley Syndrome (a.k.a. Attention Deficit Disorder), so when social media became a thing and smart phones did too, I was fucked.  I’ve become a lazy, distracted, unmotivated, unfocused, scattered sack of shit since, and that sack grows bigger by the day.

I’ve never been a highly driven person.  I was an average student until about high school (when boys, clothes, music and bands became my “social media”) when my grades began to suffer.  I graduated by the skin of my teeth (or maybe my ass), and as a result, I didn't dare bother with college.  Instead, I took a 6 month vocational program to learn to type and got an office job.  I’ve been doing that ever since and it’s killing me slowly.

The truly sad part is, I have some talent for a few things.  I'm a creature of creativity, an artsy fart.  I hate budgets, and staff meetings and corporate functions.  I want to create things other than reports or memos.  I want to cook and feed people delicious food!  I want to sculpt or paint, or write for a living!  Hell, once, eons ago I thought I would pursue acting.  😲  Yeah, go on, laugh. 😆  I took two years of drama in high school and thought I was hot shit. Pffft.  So, I set my sights on that after graduation, sort of.   The real problem was, every audition I went to required me to sing...yeah, in front of people!  (uh duh...that's kinda how theater works, dufus).  Well....screw that noise.  I could fall to the ground and give the most convincing performance of a piece of sentient bacon frying on a griddle to a delicious crisp and bring you to tears, as I made you believe I was suffering for the sake of someone's breakfast.  I could not, however, squeak out a note above a whisper to save my life (or the life of that yummy bacon).  After my third audition, I left in tears and vowed to never try again.  I haven't.  It seems I've given up on most of my creative endeavors and that, my friends, is a crying fucking shame.

I’ll be 48 years old in 4 days, and I have little to show for my nearly 5 decades on this earth, with one exception: my child.  He is my greatest achievement, though I’m not sure how much of that glory I can really claim for myself. I made him, sure, but I had help.  He makes parenting easy, and makes me look good with very little effort on my part. However, I would do anything for him.  He is my one great motivator.  Perhaps I need to apply that to other areas of my life, eh?

Anyway, my child aside, I’ve achieved very little of note.  Every job application that asks me to list accomplishments or awards I’m most proud of, I leave it blank.  I’ve got nothing, kids.  Not a thing.  I’ve never done anything particularly difficult or worked incredibly hard to achieve something.  I’ve always just stuck to the status quo, hovering there in middle ground, loafing in absolute mediocrity. I’ve never done more than I absolutely had to. 

I mean, I'm not a total loser.  There have been instances where I have gone above and beyond, but those times were usually for someone else and it was never anything that would escalate my career or improve my life drastically in any immediate, tangible way.  They were short lived moments, with an end goal met to help someone else, or if I were in dire need.

I’ve made so many grand plans and declarations, temporarily determined to make something of myself or do something for myself, but I always peter out before making any real progress.  I always quit. I always give up. 

Am I hard-wired to be this way?  After all these years of being stuck in this pattern of half-assing and bare minimum, is it really possible to change for the better?  Is it possible to somehow rein in my wandering focus and muster the motivation and drive to set a goal and see it through to the very end?  I mean, even if I don’t finish with a A+, at 100%, so long as I FINISH with real results, that would be something!  That would be a first! 

Why shouldn’t I be able to learn how to sew, and actually sew my own clothes?

Why shouldn’t I start a running program, and become a runner, even if I’m the slowest, most ungainly runner out there?

Why shouldn’t I get that doggone spice cabinet sorted out once and for friggen all?

Why shouldn’t I get off my fat, lazy ass every night after dinner and rinse and put away the dishes? 

NONE of this is hard!  It simply means doing it, consistently, and not stopping until that end goal is met.  There must be a way to root out the reason for my lack of “goal endurance” and turn it around to become the driven, successful, accomplished person I long to be.

But how?

Fuck if I know.